Post by Jay Omega on Jul 18, 2010 17:33:39 GMT -5
*This footage previously recorded on the original Jay-Cam. Editing by Tartarus.*
*The scene fades in on Jay Omega and Tartarus sitting in front of a large pile of VHS videotapes.*
Jay: Hey there. I remember doin' this before, and it sort of turned into a bit of an XWCWF staple. An' I thought to myself "cheese goes great with peanut butter cups when you mix them with The Sauce". But I found out the hard way that it also makes you trip hardcore. But then I also thought that this would be a great way to let the ACW get to know me a little. And so, I present to you, in no particular order, a few snippets of the last ten years or so of my life that I've managed to catch on film. So please, enjoy.
*The image fades to black, and the following message appears; This footage previously recorded. Edited by Tartarus. Time stamp: 21/06/2004, 8:14 pm. We fade back in, on the interior of a car, at night. The upholstery is black leather, with gold trim. "I Disappear" by Metallica is blaring from the car speakers, nearly overpowering the conversation of the two men in the front seat. The passenger side window is all the way down, the wind rushing by further adding to the noise in the car, and the passenger himself, hardcore icon, John Michaels, also known as the Cut Throat Kid, takes a puff from his cigarette, and exhales the smoke out the window. The driver, a slim man of Japanese descent who can only be a younger version of Omega's friend, and occasional cameraman Arson, momentarily takes his eyes off the road.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Man, what have I told you? Did I not ask you to not smoke in my car?
CTK: Y'know, for a guy called "Arson" you sure are afraid of fire.
Arson[/b][/color]: Baka, I'm not afraid of fire, I just don't like the smell of cigarettes.
CTK: Hence the open window. Calm down, man, it's not like it's an "illegal substance".
*The passenger in the back seat, and also the camera's operator, none other than Jay Omega, leans forward and pipes up.*
Jay(offscreen): Are we there yet?
CTK(angrily): Dammit, Jay! How many times do I have to tell you to shut up?! We will get there when we get there, and we won't get there any faster if you keep bugging us!
Jay(sulking, offscreen): But I want my burritos now.
*John starts to turn around, when Arson lays a hand on his arm.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Hold on, Johnny, let me handle this one. Jay, if you don't settle down right now, and stop pestering us, I will burn down Taco Bell, and sell all of your socks to the manatees.
Jay(offscreen): NO! I'll be good! I'll be good! Just please don't let the manatees have my socks! They're worse than the underpants gnomes! Hey, John, ou est le papier du rouleaux?
CTK: Right here.
*John digs into his pocket, then tosses a pack of white Zig Zag rolling papers over his shoulder, into Jay's lap.*
Arson[/b][/color]: The what? What are you doing back there, Jay?
Jay(offscreen, with Jamaican accent): Ah'm makin' meself a Jokah, mon.
CTK: Heh. Now you're talkin'.
Arson[/b][/color]: I don't understand. You're doing what? How are you making yourself a joker? You're already the biggest joker I know.
*Michaels laughs uproariously, takes a last haul from his cigarette, and pitches it out the window.*
CTK: That's great! Go, Jay! Before he figures it out!
Arson[/b][/color]: Figures what out? What are you doing? Jay? Jay! Answer me!
CTK: Keep your mouth shut, Omega! Let's rock this joint!
*The sound of a lighter sparking can be heard, then smoke begins to drift in front of the camera lens.*
Arson[/b][/color]: *Sniff sniff* Oh no the Hell you don't! Put that sh(beep) out right f(beep)ing now! I don't want you guys smoking cigarettes in my car, there's no way I'm gonna let you smoke that! I'm pulling over.
Jay(offscreen): John, take this. *Cough cough* And get the window!
CTK: Hell yeah!
*As Arson pulls the car over to the side of the road, John rolls up his window, then takes several deep puffs from the "Joker", before passing it back to Jay. As John exhales, the car gets noticeably smokier.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Guys, I'm serious, put it out, now!
*John takes the "Joker" back from Jay.*
CTK: Dude, you need to chill the f(beep) out.
Jay(offscreen): Yeah, what's the matter? Got your Twizzlers in someone's panties?
Arson[/b][/color]: First of all, the expression is "got your panties in a twist", to which the answer is no, and secondly, I really don't want to deal with the cops about this.
CTK: HA! Dude, we're in Canada! Almost everybody smokes the sh(beep)! Just chillax and take a hit. You know you wanna.
Arson[/b][/color]: Well, it does smell tasty. But are you sure here's a safe spot? And can we at least shut the camera off, so there's no incriminating evidence?
Jay(offscreen): No problemo!
*The image turns to static for a moment. When the picture comes back, the interior of the car is so filled with smoke, that only the vaguest of outlines of the occupants can be seen.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Heh heh, wow. Where'd you learn to roll like that, Jay?
Jay(offscreen): Scathe taught me.
CTK: Nuh-uh. No way. Scathe doesn't smoke.
Jay(offscreen): That's not what the juniper tree says.
CTK: Yeah? Well I don't care what a f(beep)ing tree says, Jay. I've known him for years, and not only have I never seen him smoke anything, other than idiots who got in his way, but he's given me sh(beep) a bunch of times. Jeez, Jay, don't you remember the night he caught us out back, sittin' in the CJ Cell? He f(beep)in' freaked!
Jay(offscreen): Oh yeah. Maybe it was Bob Marley.
Arson[/b][/color]: I doubt it, man. But I don't need to know badly enough to sit here for half an hour while you try to figure that out. I've got the munchies now, and we're almost at Taco Bell, so let's air out the car, and get moving.
CTK: Sounds good to me, man.
*Arson turns the ignition, and rolls down his window. As the car begins to empty of smoke, the profile of a man standing by the driver side door becomes more and more visible. Finally, with only a small amount of smoke left in the car, the man's profile clearly becomes that of a police officer. John notices first, then nudges Arson's shoulder, and directs his attention out the window.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Oh f(beep).
Cop: Well well. You boys havin' a good night?
CTK: We were. Is there a problem here, officer?
Cop: No, no problem at all. That's what I'd say if this were Amsterdam. But it's not. License and registration, please.
Arson[/b][/color]: No problem. John, you want to hand me the registration papers out of the glove compartment?
CTK: Looking, looking, can't find 'em.
Arson[/b][/color]: What do you mean you can't find them? They should be in there. I don't keep anything else in there.
Jay(offscreen): Uh, this probably isn't the best time to bring this up, but I may or may not have used some papers out of your mitten box for doodling.
Arson[/b][/color]: You what? Where did you put them, Jay? No screwing around, I need them right now.
Jay(offscreen): Oh. Yeeeaaaah. I kind of, uh, burned them, cause they sucked.
*The cop giggles a little, and a twinkle appears in the one eye of John's profile.*
CTK(quietly): Hold on, guys, I've got an idea.
*John opens his door and steps out of the car, then walks around the front end.*
CTK: Excuse me, sir, could I talk to you over here for a minute?
*The cop looks up in mild surprise.*
Cop: Who, me?
*John smiles.*
CTK: Yessir, right over here.
*The cop walks over in John's direction. When he's within arm distance, John raises his hand for a handshake. The cop reaches out to oblige, when John clamps onto his wrist, and yanks the cop toward him, then up onto his shoulders, in a Torture Rack. John then flips the cop, heels over head, into a Diamond Cutter across the hood of the car, knocking him out cold. John unclips the man's service revolver, then rolls him off the hood, and over into some bushes before getting back in the car.*
CTK: There, problem solved.
Arson[/b][/color]: ARE YOU F(beep)ING INSANE?!?! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
CTK: I was thinking that I'm f(beep)ing hungry, and that jackhole was just making us later. I'm with Jay on this one, I want my food now.
Arson[/b][/color]: You just took out a cop--
CTK: And stole his gun. And if you keep sittin' there, bitchin' at me, he's gonna wake up and try to arrest us, and I'm gonna have to tell Jay to shut off the camera so I can do something a little more permanent. Is that something you want on your conscience? Trust me, with the thump to the head, and the lingering fumes from that hotbox in the face he took, there's no way he's gonna remember the plates, or our faces, and he never saw your ID. We're all good man, just go.
Arson[/b][/color]: Dude, I can't just--
*John places the gun against Arson's temple.*
Arson[/b][/color]: You wouldn't.
*John pulls back on the hammer, cocking the gun.*
Jay(offscreen): Uh, actually, man, I've gotta tell ya something. See, Johnny here is what is known as a "sociopath". Y'know what that means? That means he has no conscience. None. He could walk into a kindergarten class with an M16, full metal jacket, unload the whole damn thing, and not even bat an eye. So if he's pointing a gun at you, my advice is to do what he tells you, unless you'd like to see your granny real soon. Cause he will do it.
CTK: Thank you, Jay, that was very eloquent. I don't think I've ever heard it expressed that well.
Jay(offscreen): Thanks. I owe it all to watching the Colbert Report. Stephen has really helped me improve my phonetic abilities.
CTK: Wonderful. Now, Arson, my imported little friend, shall we be on our way? Or do I take ownership of this beautiful piece of machinery, after having it's interior completely redone?
*Arson puts the car in gear, and begins to drive off.*
Arson[/b][/color](muttering): F(beep)ing psycho.
CTK: And proud of it. Jay, you're giving away our position with that camera of yours, could you at least shut it off until we get to Taco Bell?
Jay(offscreen): Okely-dokely, neighbourino.
*The picture flickers to static once more, and returns to show the interior of a fast food restaurant. The three men are now seated around a table, eating from several trays of tacos, burritos, and cheese covered fries.*
CTK: So, Jay how come you don't ever talk about your matches or anything when you make these videos? You just tape us doing a bunch of random crap and send it in. Aren't you supposed to hype yourself in these things? Intimidate your opponents? Play to the fans?
*Jay remains silent.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Jay, he--
Jay: I heard. I was contemplating the most prolific response to his query.
CTK: Well? Do you have an answer? And you can drop the fancy talk, it don't impress me.
Jay: Well, I suppose the reason would be that I feel the fans don't need to hear another blowhard, runnin' his gums about how he's the greatest thing since Star Wars. Anybody I come up against is most likely to yap enough for three people, so why would I bother re-hashing the same crap, only trying to disprove their take on the matter? I do play to the fans, man. They love these little snippets of our lives. I still say you guys were crazy not to take that deal Fox was offering us for a reality show.
Arson[/b][/color]: For the ninth time, Jay, that was not a Fox Network representative, it was a f(beep)ing fox you found in the backyard. You were the one who came up with the idea for a reality show, and thank God Fox rejected it! If you ever pull a stunt like that again, well, I don't know what I'd do, cause I've never been that mad!
Jay: We all go a little mad sometimes. And if you'd like, John, I'll talk a little about my match. It's some sort of Reverse Steel Cage match, with me, and a bunch of other guys involved. Now the--
Arson[/b][/color]: Hold on. Reverse Steel Cage? What does that mean?
*Jay shoots a sour look in Arson's direction.*
Jay: Well, I was about to say that the "reverse" part of it confused me. I was going to ask you guys for advice, but it's clear you don't have a clue what the f(beep) I'm talking about. How 'bout you, Johnny?
CTK: Sorry, pal, can't help ya. Never heard of a "reverse" cage before. What, are you supposed to fight in the aisle, and try to get in the ring to win it?
Jay: Uh, I think that sounds plausible. But whether or not that's what we gots ta do, I just know that I'm gonna kick some ass, and win or lose, this is one hell of a career opportunity for me, and I am definitely gonna showcase myself. Expect some hardcore deep sh(beep). I swear, I'm gonna make somebody bleed. This is great, man! My first Pay Per View in a long time! This is the beginning of the next chapter of our legacy, boys! They may take our lives, but they will never take OUR FREEDOM!!!
CTK: Ooookay. Settle down, Jay. We're getting some weird looks. This is why we don't take you with us, remember?
Jay: No, no, it's okay. The manager here was a student of mine.
Arson[/b][/color]: A student? What the hell did you teach?
Jay: I taught him an advanced class in Tae Kwon Leap.
*John chuckles.*
CTK: You booted him in the head, didn't you?
*Jay grins like a child who has earned unexpected praise.*
Jay: Yeah, I did. Anyways, thanks for the meal, guys, but you go on home without me, and take the baby too. I'm gonna practice flying on my way back.
CTK: Whatever, man. You have a nice walk. Let's go, Arson.
*The scene flicks to static one last time, then fades out completely.*
*The scene fades in on Jay Omega and Tartarus sitting in front of a large pile of VHS videotapes.*
Jay: Hey there. I remember doin' this before, and it sort of turned into a bit of an XWCWF staple. An' I thought to myself "cheese goes great with peanut butter cups when you mix them with The Sauce". But I found out the hard way that it also makes you trip hardcore. But then I also thought that this would be a great way to let the ACW get to know me a little. And so, I present to you, in no particular order, a few snippets of the last ten years or so of my life that I've managed to catch on film. So please, enjoy.
*The image fades to black, and the following message appears; This footage previously recorded. Edited by Tartarus. Time stamp: 21/06/2004, 8:14 pm. We fade back in, on the interior of a car, at night. The upholstery is black leather, with gold trim. "I Disappear" by Metallica is blaring from the car speakers, nearly overpowering the conversation of the two men in the front seat. The passenger side window is all the way down, the wind rushing by further adding to the noise in the car, and the passenger himself, hardcore icon, John Michaels, also known as the Cut Throat Kid, takes a puff from his cigarette, and exhales the smoke out the window. The driver, a slim man of Japanese descent who can only be a younger version of Omega's friend, and occasional cameraman Arson, momentarily takes his eyes off the road.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Man, what have I told you? Did I not ask you to not smoke in my car?
CTK: Y'know, for a guy called "Arson" you sure are afraid of fire.
Arson[/b][/color]: Baka, I'm not afraid of fire, I just don't like the smell of cigarettes.
CTK: Hence the open window. Calm down, man, it's not like it's an "illegal substance".
*The passenger in the back seat, and also the camera's operator, none other than Jay Omega, leans forward and pipes up.*
Jay(offscreen): Are we there yet?
CTK(angrily): Dammit, Jay! How many times do I have to tell you to shut up?! We will get there when we get there, and we won't get there any faster if you keep bugging us!
Jay(sulking, offscreen): But I want my burritos now.
*John starts to turn around, when Arson lays a hand on his arm.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Hold on, Johnny, let me handle this one. Jay, if you don't settle down right now, and stop pestering us, I will burn down Taco Bell, and sell all of your socks to the manatees.
Jay(offscreen): NO! I'll be good! I'll be good! Just please don't let the manatees have my socks! They're worse than the underpants gnomes! Hey, John, ou est le papier du rouleaux?
CTK: Right here.
*John digs into his pocket, then tosses a pack of white Zig Zag rolling papers over his shoulder, into Jay's lap.*
Arson[/b][/color]: The what? What are you doing back there, Jay?
Jay(offscreen, with Jamaican accent): Ah'm makin' meself a Jokah, mon.
CTK: Heh. Now you're talkin'.
Arson[/b][/color]: I don't understand. You're doing what? How are you making yourself a joker? You're already the biggest joker I know.
*Michaels laughs uproariously, takes a last haul from his cigarette, and pitches it out the window.*
CTK: That's great! Go, Jay! Before he figures it out!
Arson[/b][/color]: Figures what out? What are you doing? Jay? Jay! Answer me!
CTK: Keep your mouth shut, Omega! Let's rock this joint!
*The sound of a lighter sparking can be heard, then smoke begins to drift in front of the camera lens.*
Arson[/b][/color]: *Sniff sniff* Oh no the Hell you don't! Put that sh(beep) out right f(beep)ing now! I don't want you guys smoking cigarettes in my car, there's no way I'm gonna let you smoke that! I'm pulling over.
Jay(offscreen): John, take this. *Cough cough* And get the window!
CTK: Hell yeah!
*As Arson pulls the car over to the side of the road, John rolls up his window, then takes several deep puffs from the "Joker", before passing it back to Jay. As John exhales, the car gets noticeably smokier.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Guys, I'm serious, put it out, now!
*John takes the "Joker" back from Jay.*
CTK: Dude, you need to chill the f(beep) out.
Jay(offscreen): Yeah, what's the matter? Got your Twizzlers in someone's panties?
Arson[/b][/color]: First of all, the expression is "got your panties in a twist", to which the answer is no, and secondly, I really don't want to deal with the cops about this.
CTK: HA! Dude, we're in Canada! Almost everybody smokes the sh(beep)! Just chillax and take a hit. You know you wanna.
Arson[/b][/color]: Well, it does smell tasty. But are you sure here's a safe spot? And can we at least shut the camera off, so there's no incriminating evidence?
Jay(offscreen): No problemo!
*The image turns to static for a moment. When the picture comes back, the interior of the car is so filled with smoke, that only the vaguest of outlines of the occupants can be seen.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Heh heh, wow. Where'd you learn to roll like that, Jay?
Jay(offscreen): Scathe taught me.
CTK: Nuh-uh. No way. Scathe doesn't smoke.
Jay(offscreen): That's not what the juniper tree says.
CTK: Yeah? Well I don't care what a f(beep)ing tree says, Jay. I've known him for years, and not only have I never seen him smoke anything, other than idiots who got in his way, but he's given me sh(beep) a bunch of times. Jeez, Jay, don't you remember the night he caught us out back, sittin' in the CJ Cell? He f(beep)in' freaked!
Jay(offscreen): Oh yeah. Maybe it was Bob Marley.
Arson[/b][/color]: I doubt it, man. But I don't need to know badly enough to sit here for half an hour while you try to figure that out. I've got the munchies now, and we're almost at Taco Bell, so let's air out the car, and get moving.
CTK: Sounds good to me, man.
*Arson turns the ignition, and rolls down his window. As the car begins to empty of smoke, the profile of a man standing by the driver side door becomes more and more visible. Finally, with only a small amount of smoke left in the car, the man's profile clearly becomes that of a police officer. John notices first, then nudges Arson's shoulder, and directs his attention out the window.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Oh f(beep).
Cop: Well well. You boys havin' a good night?
CTK: We were. Is there a problem here, officer?
Cop: No, no problem at all. That's what I'd say if this were Amsterdam. But it's not. License and registration, please.
Arson[/b][/color]: No problem. John, you want to hand me the registration papers out of the glove compartment?
CTK: Looking, looking, can't find 'em.
Arson[/b][/color]: What do you mean you can't find them? They should be in there. I don't keep anything else in there.
Jay(offscreen): Uh, this probably isn't the best time to bring this up, but I may or may not have used some papers out of your mitten box for doodling.
Arson[/b][/color]: You what? Where did you put them, Jay? No screwing around, I need them right now.
Jay(offscreen): Oh. Yeeeaaaah. I kind of, uh, burned them, cause they sucked.
*The cop giggles a little, and a twinkle appears in the one eye of John's profile.*
CTK(quietly): Hold on, guys, I've got an idea.
*John opens his door and steps out of the car, then walks around the front end.*
CTK: Excuse me, sir, could I talk to you over here for a minute?
*The cop looks up in mild surprise.*
Cop: Who, me?
*John smiles.*
CTK: Yessir, right over here.
*The cop walks over in John's direction. When he's within arm distance, John raises his hand for a handshake. The cop reaches out to oblige, when John clamps onto his wrist, and yanks the cop toward him, then up onto his shoulders, in a Torture Rack. John then flips the cop, heels over head, into a Diamond Cutter across the hood of the car, knocking him out cold. John unclips the man's service revolver, then rolls him off the hood, and over into some bushes before getting back in the car.*
CTK: There, problem solved.
Arson[/b][/color]: ARE YOU F(beep)ING INSANE?!?! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
CTK: I was thinking that I'm f(beep)ing hungry, and that jackhole was just making us later. I'm with Jay on this one, I want my food now.
Arson[/b][/color]: You just took out a cop--
CTK: And stole his gun. And if you keep sittin' there, bitchin' at me, he's gonna wake up and try to arrest us, and I'm gonna have to tell Jay to shut off the camera so I can do something a little more permanent. Is that something you want on your conscience? Trust me, with the thump to the head, and the lingering fumes from that hotbox in the face he took, there's no way he's gonna remember the plates, or our faces, and he never saw your ID. We're all good man, just go.
Arson[/b][/color]: Dude, I can't just--
*John places the gun against Arson's temple.*
Arson[/b][/color]: You wouldn't.
*John pulls back on the hammer, cocking the gun.*
Jay(offscreen): Uh, actually, man, I've gotta tell ya something. See, Johnny here is what is known as a "sociopath". Y'know what that means? That means he has no conscience. None. He could walk into a kindergarten class with an M16, full metal jacket, unload the whole damn thing, and not even bat an eye. So if he's pointing a gun at you, my advice is to do what he tells you, unless you'd like to see your granny real soon. Cause he will do it.
CTK: Thank you, Jay, that was very eloquent. I don't think I've ever heard it expressed that well.
Jay(offscreen): Thanks. I owe it all to watching the Colbert Report. Stephen has really helped me improve my phonetic abilities.
CTK: Wonderful. Now, Arson, my imported little friend, shall we be on our way? Or do I take ownership of this beautiful piece of machinery, after having it's interior completely redone?
*Arson puts the car in gear, and begins to drive off.*
Arson[/b][/color](muttering): F(beep)ing psycho.
CTK: And proud of it. Jay, you're giving away our position with that camera of yours, could you at least shut it off until we get to Taco Bell?
Jay(offscreen): Okely-dokely, neighbourino.
*The picture flickers to static once more, and returns to show the interior of a fast food restaurant. The three men are now seated around a table, eating from several trays of tacos, burritos, and cheese covered fries.*
CTK: So, Jay how come you don't ever talk about your matches or anything when you make these videos? You just tape us doing a bunch of random crap and send it in. Aren't you supposed to hype yourself in these things? Intimidate your opponents? Play to the fans?
*Jay remains silent.*
Arson[/b][/color]: Jay, he--
Jay: I heard. I was contemplating the most prolific response to his query.
CTK: Well? Do you have an answer? And you can drop the fancy talk, it don't impress me.
Jay: Well, I suppose the reason would be that I feel the fans don't need to hear another blowhard, runnin' his gums about how he's the greatest thing since Star Wars. Anybody I come up against is most likely to yap enough for three people, so why would I bother re-hashing the same crap, only trying to disprove their take on the matter? I do play to the fans, man. They love these little snippets of our lives. I still say you guys were crazy not to take that deal Fox was offering us for a reality show.
Arson[/b][/color]: For the ninth time, Jay, that was not a Fox Network representative, it was a f(beep)ing fox you found in the backyard. You were the one who came up with the idea for a reality show, and thank God Fox rejected it! If you ever pull a stunt like that again, well, I don't know what I'd do, cause I've never been that mad!
Jay: We all go a little mad sometimes. And if you'd like, John, I'll talk a little about my match. It's some sort of Reverse Steel Cage match, with me, and a bunch of other guys involved. Now the--
Arson[/b][/color]: Hold on. Reverse Steel Cage? What does that mean?
*Jay shoots a sour look in Arson's direction.*
Jay: Well, I was about to say that the "reverse" part of it confused me. I was going to ask you guys for advice, but it's clear you don't have a clue what the f(beep) I'm talking about. How 'bout you, Johnny?
CTK: Sorry, pal, can't help ya. Never heard of a "reverse" cage before. What, are you supposed to fight in the aisle, and try to get in the ring to win it?
Jay: Uh, I think that sounds plausible. But whether or not that's what we gots ta do, I just know that I'm gonna kick some ass, and win or lose, this is one hell of a career opportunity for me, and I am definitely gonna showcase myself. Expect some hardcore deep sh(beep). I swear, I'm gonna make somebody bleed. This is great, man! My first Pay Per View in a long time! This is the beginning of the next chapter of our legacy, boys! They may take our lives, but they will never take OUR FREEDOM!!!
CTK: Ooookay. Settle down, Jay. We're getting some weird looks. This is why we don't take you with us, remember?
Jay: No, no, it's okay. The manager here was a student of mine.
Arson[/b][/color]: A student? What the hell did you teach?
Jay: I taught him an advanced class in Tae Kwon Leap.
*John chuckles.*
CTK: You booted him in the head, didn't you?
*Jay grins like a child who has earned unexpected praise.*
Jay: Yeah, I did. Anyways, thanks for the meal, guys, but you go on home without me, and take the baby too. I'm gonna practice flying on my way back.
CTK: Whatever, man. You have a nice walk. Let's go, Arson.
*The scene flicks to static one last time, then fades out completely.*