Swaggin my way to the top! Feedback

[jswag]

The scene opens up to the Philadelphia Flyers Hockey Arena. The crowd is pumped and excited as the Flyers have the lead. The buzz of the half time alarm sends the teams in the back locker rooms, as the fans get up for refreshments and to use the bathroom. The camera crew for American Championship Wrestling is here standing over in a corner of the arena. A muscular built man starts walking towards the camera crew. He is wearing a Philadelphia Flyers hockey jersey with the number 88 on the front and back of it and above the number on the back it says LINDROS. Which is Eric Lindros, one of Philadelphia Flyer’s best players ever. He is also wearing a Flyers hat turned backwards and blue jean shorts and black shoes. He is holding a drink and a small bag of popcorn. The man gets up right to the camera crew and begins to speak...

::J-Swag::
Yo, its about time you guys show up, i heard that i was getting an unexpected visit. So, you guys caught me at what i like doing the most. I like chillin and watching my favorite team play hockey. The Flyers are the bomb, especially when Lindros played. Anyways i put in a application then just a few hours later, i was called. Thats what i call fast service right there. They also informed me i have a match to this week against Keegan, Andrew Jay Redmond, Scott Kage, Marshall Raynes, and Cole Blaze. Dont know anything about them at all. Im the new guy, so its going to take some time to adjust around here, but when i do, boy you will be in for a rude awakening. All i know is that my opponents for this battle royal is going to have their hands full with the new kid.

The buzz of the alarm sends the fans rushing back to their seats, the teams back on the ice and J-Swag?

::J-Swag::
Well got to go, game back on. Ill holla at you later, Dueces!

J-Swag takes of running back to his seat before the game starts back up. The camera crew shrugs their shoulders and pack up their gear and exit the arena.

<<NEXT DAY>>

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DING DONG....DING DONG.....

Sounds of a doorbell brings the scene from the black shade. ACW’s camera crew is standing outside of a big house with their gear ready for to shoot a scene. The door opens up and the sound of music come blaring out of the house. Then the door fully opens and their stands the newest member of ACW’s roster J-Swag. He is wearing a black hat that is turned backwards, white swimming trunks that have a black design on the right leg of them, flip flops and a black sleeveless shirt. He motions for the camera crew to come in his house and they grab their gear and walk inside. J-Swag walks into the living room and sits down on his leather couch. The camera crew starts setting their lights up and camera’s. The interviewer sits down on the love seat right beside the couch that J-Swag is sitting on. The interviewer has the mic and brings it up to his lips and begins to speak...

::Interviewer::
Hello J-Swag, im Henry Jenkins. This is our first time meeting together and to be honest i was hoping to get this scoop.

::J-Swag::
Wat up Henry. Its good to have you here in my home in Philly.

::Henry Jenkins::
Thanks, i was just wanting to know, whats your thoughts about ACW?

::J-Swag::
Well Henry, its like dis. I have been searching for the right place to come to and this one suits me the best i think. It seems like a steady on going process. See me Henry, im consistent. I wont stop until i get what i want, then i just go farther. Im a gangsta dancing, hip hop loving, one man wrecking crew. Im in this fed to make a name for myself and to become a champion that everybody will love and learn to respect.

::Henry Jenkins::
Well it seems that you have already made a good impression with the staff members at ACW.

::J-Swag::
I know dis Henry. Whats not to like about me. Im a dang good athlete, im a good dancer, funny, and just a blast to chill with. There will be alot of changes in the ACW since im here now. I will make changes, in a good way though. I will show everybody what i have to offer and they will respect me.

::Henry Jenkins::
Well your first week here in the ACW and you already know your first match. Its a battle royal with Keegan, Andrew Jay Redmond, Scott Kage, Marshall Raynes, and Cole Blaze. Whats you thoughts about this upcoming match and your opponents at Shockwave?

::J-Swag::
This is my match to show everybody what i have got and what im all about. This is my time to shine. My first match isnt going to be easy though. Look at what im up against, five other superstars in the same ring as me. So attention is going to be an issue in this match.

::Henry Jenkins::
What you mean by attention?

::J-Swag::
See Henry, in matches you want to be the center of attention. To let everybody know what your about and what your goal is. Im about winning and setting a name for myself. So the other superstars are going to have a match of their life time. This match is going to seperate the men from the boys. I dont know much about my opponents, cause im new here in the ACW. But, they will get to know me very quickly. My time im going to spend in the ACW is going to fun and enjoyable. Not just for me, but for the fans too.

::Henry Jenkins::
Well it seems like you know what you want. OK J-Swag, im going to ask you individually what you think about your upcoming opponents at Shockwave.

::J-Swag::
Sounds good to me Henry, but before you do hang on for a sec.

J-Swag stands up and walks into the kitchen of his house. He walks to the fridge, opens it and grabs a Deer Park bottle of water from the door and closes it. He walks back to the living room, sits down on the couch and twists the lid off the bottle and takes a small swig of the water and puts the lid back on and tightens it down and sits it on the table next to his couch.

::J-Swag::
Ok, im all yours.

::Henry Jenkins::
Your first match in ACW is a six way battle royal including yourself. First off im going to ask you about Keegan, what do you think about him?

::J-Swag::
Well like i said before, i really dont know much about anybody here, i have went and looked around at the roster and did some of my own researching. All i know about Keegan is that he is a cruiserweight. He likes the high impact game, which is good on some occasions. He also has a weird obsession with leather, which i dont know what in the world for. All i know is that his high flying game is not going to overcome the outcome in this one. Yea sure he might become one of the best superstars that ACW has, but he doesnt want this match more than i do. I can taste victory in my first match in the ACW. His leather obsession on the other hand might be a great affect though. He will be tasting a leather boot to the face, so he might come out with a smile after all. His weight is going to be a real issue here. So he needs to think about that one.

::Henry Jenkins::
Hehe, well what do you think about Andrew Jay Redmond?

::J-Swag::
Ahh, AJR. He seems like he would be a worthy opponent. This guy has alot of wrestling background i have heard, so he might be a test to me. He also might have a issue with a weight problem in this match. Learning the best technique in wrestling is to be a technical wrestler and thats what AJR seems to be. So i give him props for that, but can be a powerhouse too? I think not, see Henry, Im strong, agile, and technical is my strong point. So he will have a problem with my muscle compared to his. Like i said before though, no one on the roster wants this more than i do and by meaning want this,i mean victory. I will prevail in this match and many more to come. I will become champion and show everybody while im Swaggin my way to the top.

::Henry Jenkins::
You keep talking about weight, dont you think your weight my have a bad end to this match?

::J-Swag::
Nah, my weight is fine. Im quick on my feet and will stop at nothing to get a win Henry.

::Henry Jenkins::
Sounds like you are Determined J-Swag, now what about Scott Kage?

::J-Swag::
Scott Kage, another fellow Heavyweight. I really dont know much about this character. All i know is that Kage is going to have to try harder than me to get this win. I know that the other superstars are going to give it their all to win this match, but this is my era. My time, my chance, and my ring. I will show everybody why i am the new dominate force in ACW and im a superstar with gold on his mind.

::Henry Jenkins::
What about Marshall Raynes?

::J-Swag::
The big biker type, impressive. He might be hard to handle. He reminds me on someone, i just cant put my finger on it. Ohh well, he is just another test for me to pass as i come out victorious at Shockwave. This match has a cluster of different types of superstars, which i love to see. We get to see which one wants it the most and the different types of styles. See Raynes, the muscled up biker look doesnt scare me one bit. Im going to dance all over you as if you was a dance dance revolution pad. After this match you might wanna take a ride on your so called “Hog” and think what would have happened if you would have one this match.

::Henry Jenkins::
Finally the last opponent in this match, Cole Blaze.

::J-Swag::
We have a striker offense game like Cole Blaze. He seems to be just ruthless and wanting to pound on everyone he see’s. Well not going to happen at Shockwave. Cole, you will need more than martial arts to win this match and when you start trying to pull that crap im going to hit you with the A.K. and slow you up a bit. This match is mine, i have waited to enter the wrestling circuit and god is my witness i will become successful. No one in this match can wrestle like i can. I have mad skills and im going to the top in the ACW!

J-Swag stands up from the couch and starts dancing around the table and the camera’s as the scene fades off to black.[/center]

[Jay Omega]

I'll post actual feedback later, but for now, I'll give you a head's up for future reference: It's not necessary to post the roleplay that you want feedback on in this forum. Generally, just giving others the name of the post you're looking for feedback on is enough.

[devonmayhem]

These are all just suggestions - feel free to use or ignore as you like.

Work on your length a bit...it isn't bad, but take a look at the usual to see what I mean. Against some people that would be just fine, others you might see your promo lost in the tide.

Work on letting us as readers see a bit more of your character's mannerisms, personality...the things that make him unique and different from the other wrestlers around him.

Don't be afraid to ask the staff to help you if you want to use an interviewer in a promo - they all have very set personalities and it can help you to make sure that's all correct.

There's a lot of potential in your promo, and that's always great to see.

[jswag]

Thanks Devon.